Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
