got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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