i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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