me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize