I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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