I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
