Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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