I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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