so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize