My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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