god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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