my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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