he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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