you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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