Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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