Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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