I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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