So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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