i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
