I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Redeem this text for a blowjob
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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