and my herpes radar will keep us safe
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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