it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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