hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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