I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
