Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dear god my vagina.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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