I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
