Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
