The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
