Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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