i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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