It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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