you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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