I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
