First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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