i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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