real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
