operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize