Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
being pregnant is like rehab
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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