You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
