I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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