my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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