Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
