i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
