You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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