i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
