I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize