Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
