I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
