when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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