so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
