My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
