Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
