how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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