My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
