I must be too annoying 4 u.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
