I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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