sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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