$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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