he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
