Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
