My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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