Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
