i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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