she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
