I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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