The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
