Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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